SociallyInept.com

Wednesday, June 14, 2000

ALCOHOL:

A Means to a Fat End

Alcoholic beverages are commonly used to relax inhibitions and decrease nervousness, and are thus often referred to as "liquid courage".  Every night, millions of men find themselves becoming braver, cooler, and sexier as they down shot after shot of Jagermeister; and indeed, it is common for clubhopping drunks everywhere to spend the night with gorgeous intoxicated women they don't even know.  It would seem to be the perfect solution for the awkward, clumsy, socially inept bachelor that you see in the mirror every day.  
The truth of the matter, though, is that socially inept men do not magically become able to competently communicate with females while under the influence.  However, they do end up magically having sex with a fat woman.

Confirmed by Science

After reading that last sentence, 22-year-old Social Reject Jason Harding spent an evening at the Brimwald Pub Bar & Tavern in an effort to test the validity of the statement.  After getting extremely sloshed and blacking out, he awoke the next morning and was astonished to discover an extremely massive woman sleeping next to him, nude.
    "Yeah, she was soft, but I wouldn't call her fat," remarked Harding.  "But man, she must have been fuckin' 600 pounds!!!"
Harding then proceeded to craft a mathematical proof which shows that "soft" women are indeed predatorily inclined to mount socially inept males.

G=T * y(fx) / O

Brilliant.

Naysayers Rebuked

As can be expected, these findings have been challenged by several individuals.  Some of their arguments are as follows:

"I am a fat woman, but I do not predatorily pursue socially inept drunkards."
True.  But this is because you are a lesbian.
"Oh."

"I am a fat woman, and I am not a lesbian, and I do not pursue socially inept drunkards."
But is it not true that I drunkenly screwed you just last night?
"Yes."
You horny fat Jezebel-----Begone!!!

"I am a fat woman, and I am not a lesbian, and you have never drunkenly screwed me and I do not pursue socially inept drunkards."
You're not fat-----you're an 80-pound anorexic with a fat body image.
"No, I'm fat.  Look at these rolls of flab!"
Those are ribs.
"Oh...Well do my ribs look fat to you?"