Monday, October 30, 2006
From the Mailbag
Readers Ask: "Am I Gay?"

At SociallyInept.com, we frequently receive mail from brothers-in-incompetence who have gone so long without the touch of a woman that they have begun to call their own sexuality into question. The following are actual letters received from readers of this website, along with our responses. Since none of the men specifically requested that their names not be published, we have taken the liberty of making all of their identities public.

Q: It just occurred to me that when I masturbate, I am technically being jerked off by a guy. Am I gay? - Paul Johns, Bellevue

A: Yes. You could have only come to that realization by being gay.

Q: I lost both of my arms in a car accident two years ago; so whenever I need to masturbate, my buddy comes over and does it for me. When he jerks me off, I usually close my eyes and imagine that he is Dana Plato from Diff'rent Strokes. Am I gay? - Gary Nelson, Seattle

A: No, you are not gay. Sometimes a man just needs to jerk off, even a man with no arms. It should be noted, however, that your buddy is very gay.

Q: I was in a meeting at work that was really boring, and I started to zone out and was staring at my coworker's beard and noticed that the way the hair in his beard swirled around formed a pattern that kindof looked like a naked woman. Then I totally got a hard-on. Am I fucking gay or what? - Brick Oxford

A: You are gay.

Q: At night if I'm having trouble sleeping, I'll rub my asshole with my finger and then smell my finger until I fall asleep. For some reason it makes me feel better. Does that make me gay? - Jeff Trotter

A: Not at all. In fact, I used to do the same thing. It's weird how it smells good in that stinky-cheese kind of way.

Q: But whenever I do it to my friend, he calls me a faggot!

A: Oh. Well that's different. Your friend is actually correct to call you that.

Q: Every time I read a comic book, I want to jerk off to all the hot superhero chicks; but then I wonder if that's gay because they're really just pictures drawn by dudes. Is it gay to jerk off to comic books? - Mike Thompson

A: This is my favorite type of question because I can actually prevent the gayness before it happens. DO NOT JERK OFF TO COMIC BOOKS. You will become gay at the moment of your first comic-book-induced dick-touch; and for the reasons you have already outlined.

Q: My friend and I were both screwing the same chick, and our dicks were touching inside her gash, and I was wondering—

A: You are totally lying!

Q: Ok, that was a lie. But one time my friend and I rubbed our erections together and imagined that they were inside some chick's gash. Is that gay? - Adam Worle

A: No, that is not. Good job on handling a situation that could have easily gone gay.

Q: Sometimes, when I take a large shit, I think about how good the shit feels coming out and I imagine that a penis of similar size might also feel good coming out of my ass. But then I think of how bad it would feel going into my ass. But then I think of how good it would feel coming out of my ass. But then I think of how bad it would feel going into my ass. AM I GAY? - Bradley Lewis

A: When you think of how good the penis would feel coming out, you are gay. When you think of how bad it would feel going in, you are not gay. You are bisexual.

Q: One time I tripped and ended up with my penis inside my friend's anus and accidentally ejaculated inside his rectum. Am I gay? - Ron Chick

A: Accidents happen, dude. You're not gay.

Q: I'm not gay at all, but I'm wondering if this is normal. I have had a crush on this girl at my high school for months, and I want her so bad that when I saw her dad I wanted to fuck him too because I know that she is, like, 50% her dad. Then one night it was totally crazy I actually ended up hanging out with him and he ended up fucking me and I was like, ok, I guess that's cool, maybe I'll take a shit and it'll be half shit, half that hot chick. -Michael Woodcook

A: You don't even want to know if you're gay or not?

Q: No, I just want to know if what I feel is normal.

A: You're gay.

Q: One time my buddy and I were watching porn and we thought it would be funny to try to ejaculate onto the TV screen from a couple feet back; but then we changed our minds and just decided to ejaculate into each other's mouths. Am I gay? - Starr Cummins

A: Were you watching gay porn?

Q: No.

A: Then why are you even asking me this? You're not gay.

Q: Whenever I have sex with my girlfriend, I have to think of men in order to get off. Am I gay? - Max Cumberland

A: What is your girlfriend's name?

Q: Greg.

A: You are gay.

For past articles, go to the Archive.