SociallyInept.com

Wednesday, August 30, 2000

Cybersex Declared "Most Pathetic Form of Masturbation, Ever"

Socially Inept Men Now Even 
Less Cool Than Previously Thought

To this writer's utter dismay, the Kinsey Institute of Sexual Research has announced that cybersex, rather than being a somewhat hip and cutting edge means to getting off, is actually a relatively embarrassing and pathetic way to masturbate.

An Appalling Discovery

The crux of the Kinsey Institute's report is a detailed demographic breakdown of individuals engaging in cybersex, showing that almost all of the individuals identifying themselves online as female are actually gay men.  Of the 3000 individuals surveyed:

78% were gay men.
11% were extremely gay men.
6%   were astoundingly gay men.
4%   were gay as Hell.
2%   were your guy friends who, aware of what your online user name is, looked you up in the chat rooms then posed as a hot 15-year-old Catholic girl and laughed their asses off as they coaxed you to orgasm online, while about 13 of your peers were on hand to watch the action unfold onscreen, including the girl you have a huge crush on, leading her to remark to you privately afterwards, "Aaron, you stay the fuck away from me."

Self-Esteems Plummet

The most immediate and distressing result of the publication of this research is the detrimental effect it is having on the self-image of socially handicapped men everywhere.  Chris Quackenbush of Boaz, Alabama, who had previously described himself as "King Cyber-Stud", now regrets bragging to his friends of his 348 "cyber-conquests".
"My buddies all used to treat me with respect," says Chris, fighting back the tears, "but now they all call me Gay-Gay Ass Man.  Maybe they'll respect me again after I swallow a bullet."  

Phone Sex Still OK

Surprisingly, the Kinsey Institute was not nearly so critical of phone sex.  In an addendum to the report entitled "From Pathetic to Triumphant: The Spectrum of Masturbatory Respectability", phone sex was listed as a "near-triumphant" form of masturbation.  Kinsey Institute Fellow David Gales explained why:
"At the Institute we've considered the fact that phone sex allows you to determine the gender of the individual you're partnered with.  That, more than any other factor, greatly improved its placement on the spectrum.  It should be noted, however, that masturbating while on the phone with your grandmother continues to be pathetic."

Triumphant, My Ass

When asked what a "triumphant" form of masturbation might be, Gales responded, "Triumphant masturbation occurs when the focus of your fantasy is present but unaware that you happen to be jerking it.  For instance, while you have been politely and attentively looking at my face, I have been ejaculating on your shoes."  
At that point, momentarily broken from my journalistic professionalism, I shouted, "You fuck!  I'll call your institute and have you fired!"
"Go ahead and try.  I don't even work there.  I just said I did so I could ejaculate on your shoes."
"You bastard!"
"Oh my god, you have got to be the dumbest reporter alive."