Wednesday,
January 9, 2002
Women's
Uncanny Ability to Sense Desperation
Socially
inept men now have yet another reason to abandon all hope for ever meeting Miss
Right: The Society of American Sociologists (SAS) has just released a 684-page
report which confirms that even the most dim-witted woman can instinctively
sense when a man is desperate to find a mate. The report further states
that women will refuse to date such men 99.8% of the time.
Desperation
Defined
So
what exactly is 'desperation'? The report's operational definition of
desperation is "the state or condition of giving more than half a damn
about a potential mate". When asked why the SAS had settled on such a
seemingly all-encompassing definition, spokesman Davis Lainhart explained:
"That's certainly not all-encompassing. When you apply that
definition to the worldwide male population, you find that it's really a rather
small percentage of men----maybe 5%----that can be described as
desperate." His response prompted a somewhat testy exchange with your
intrepid reporter as transcribed below:
REPORTER:
'Giving half a damn' seems like unusually cavalier phrasing for a report coming
from your organization, don't you agree?
LAINHART: No. The phrasing is perfect.
REPORTER: How can you say that only 5% of men worldwide are desperate,
when the criteria for meeting that classification is to merely give more than
half a damn about a potential mate?
LAINHART: I can't tell if you're asking these questions because you're
trying to make your article sound more complete or because you honestly are in
disagreement about this.
REPORTER: I don't think these questions are off-base at all. I
really don't understand how----
LAINHART (INTERRUPTING): You're single, aren't you?
REPORTER: <hurt silence>
LAINHART: Been single a long time, haven't you?
REPORTER: <sour, pained grimace>
LAINHART: <curls mouth contemptuously>
REPORTER: <farts audibly>
Who
Can Blame Them?
Mr.
Lainhart added a modicum of clarity to the subject by explaining precisely why
desperation is such a turn-off for women. He stated, "it is found to
be generally true that desperation in men is reflective of a general lack of
self-esteem, which is often, but not always, caused by having misshapen,
asparagus-like penises."
Filler
Lainhart
continued to speak, even after your intrepid reporter had repeatedly expressed
to him a desire to go home:
LAINHART:
Have you ever had a girl act really excited about you, so much that it scared
you away?
REPORTER: I guess.
LAINHART: And the reason it scared you away was because you felt that if
she liked you that much, there must be something wrong with her?
REPORTER: Now that you mention it, yes.
LAINHART: Well, most women are in agreement with you that anyone that
could be excited about you would have to have something seriously wrong with
them.
REPORTER: Oh.
LAINHART: God, you give me the creeps.
REPORTER: Huh?
LAINHART: Nothing.
REPORTER: We're not even talking about your report anymore, are we?
LAINHART: Not really, no.
