SociallyInept.com

Wednesday, September 3, 2003
Google.com + Alcohol = Me Looking Up Lots of Girls I Used to Have Crushes On

The internet has grown rapidly in the last five years, bringing us to a point where you can do a Google search on just about anybody and find out what they're up to.  Add to this fact two bottles of tasty Sheaf Stout, and you get an evening of doing internet searches on every girl you've had a crush on since before you even hit puberty.  At least that's what I'm doing.

Before There Was Grass in the Outfield

My first serious crush was on a girl named Karen Smith, and Google is of little use to me, bringing up 20 million different entries for the generic "Karen Smith".  I try to narrow it down by adding the name of the town I lived in when I knew her, and end up with several sites like this one.  It's no use.  Her last name probably isn't even Smith anymore, with some 20 years having passed since I was in 3rd grade with her.  I'm so pissed.  I'm never going to find her.

When the Fat Girls Were Starting to Get Tits

In fourth grade it was Kimberly Truscott.  In hindsight, she looked like a retarded toad, but at the time I thought she was oh so hot, and she seemed to have a crush on me until I became the teacher's pet.  This time Google does not disappoint.  The first entry is for a dog-loving freak that couldn't possibly be my beloved.  But the second entry is a wedding notice, and the wedding takes place in Duluth, where I once knew this girl.  Google comes through!  However, if she's getting married, I ought to be a man about it and move on.

1985 - Sixth Grade

Sixth grade was the year of Melissa Kirk.  She cocked her head to the side in every goddamn photo that was ever taken of her, as she was already becoming aware of her powers of hotness.  I look her up now in an effort to find a phone number so I can drunkenly call her...  This time Google doesn't give me the Melissa Kirk I went to school with, but it does give me some porn written by a different Melissa Kirk; an older Melissa Kirk.  I read the porn and no longer care if I find the Melissa Kirk from grade school, as I rather prefer this one.

On to College...and a Frightening Deterrent

I decide to look up the most attractive girl I ever had a crush on: Kristen Farrell.  The very first thing that Google gives me is this.  Holy shit.  I'm not going to do this anymore.