Sunday, May 15, 2005

From Aaron's Personal Playbook:
How to Determine if a Woman is Flirting With You

Hindsight is a cruel teacher, and is the arbiter of regret.
----Sophocles

Hindsight is a big furry cunt.
----Me

Hindsight can be a killer for socially inept men. This is because the inability to communicate with women that you are attracted to is but one component of social ineptitude. The other, often more painful component is the inability to recognize when some misguided woman is actually attracted to you.
As improbable as it may seem, studies have shown that there is in fact a significant likelihood that even the most socially inept man will at some point find himself the target of a woman's flirtations. As the venerable George Burns so succinctly put it, "Even dogs fuck".
The problem, however, is that whereas a normal man will recognize the flirtation as it happens, the socially inept man typically does not realize that he is being flirted with until five years after the fact. While a normal man might correctly read a woman's advances and slide his dong into her that same night, the socially inept man will not notice the flirtation and will instead have a moment of realization five years later that leads to five minutes of feverish masturbation in his parents' bedroom and a lifetime of regret.

What you are about to read is premium information culled from my own personal experience. I have accumulated enough regret to last ten lifetimes, and if I had any sense of self-worth, I would charge a hefty sum for the secrets which I am about to lay bare for you. These are some of the most common ways that women indicate a desire for you to have sex with them; and I only wish I would have realized it many years ago when I was still a young whippersnapper.

Now is your chance to profit from my feelings of inadequacy.

Read on.

New and Secret Methods of Flirtation

Forget everything you've seen in the movies. Women don't flirt by flashing coy glances or by crossing and uncrossing their legs. When a woman does that, she is fucking with you in the hopes that you will make a colossal ass of yourself by asking her out. When a woman looks at you alluringly, the only appropriate response is a healthy dose of scorn. Ask her if she's ever sucked the cock of a homeless man. That'll teach her.

When it comes to actual, genuine flirtation, today's woman is necessarily more sophisticated than her counterpart of yesteryear. The advent of feminism on the national scene so blurred the lines between flirtation and contempt that it became nearly impossible for men to know if an ample display of cleavage was an invitation to screw or an invitation to be sued. Things have gotten so bad that it is not unheard of for a woman to invite a man to sleep in her bed, only to feign surprise and anger when he starts jabbing her ass with his glistening purple erection. This, too, I know from personal experience.

Now, at a time when men are afraid to hold open a door for a woman, let alone gawk openly at her massive rack, women have cleverly devised some new, no-nonsense methods of expressing their desires. So, without any further lead-in BS, here are the signs to look for:

Birth Control Pills on the Kitchen Counter
If you're hanging out with a girl at her place and she has her birth control pills sitting out in plain view, do not fight the erection that begins to grow in your pants. She wants you to use it.
Of course, the pills don't have to be on the kitchen counter-----they may be sitting conspicuously on the bathroom counter or on the coffee table, or next to the remote control. The point is, women know where their birth control pills are, and it is no accident when they are left somewhere for you to see. This is a woman who is not only telling you that she wants sex, but that she wants it without one of those annoying condoms. Go get her, boy!

Tattoo Next to Cunt
If a hot young woman ever lowers her pants and pulls aside her body suit to show you the tattoo she has nestled on the outskirts of her pubic hair, you should realize at that moment that you have been given the green light to pull aside her body suit the rest of the way and bury your face in her muff. I curse my goddamned stupid self every day for not realizing this 10 years ago. If a time machine is ever invented, this is the moment I will go back to so I can slap my young self into action. Nowadays, if I want to see a pussy all I have to do is look in the mirror.

Unsolicited Abortion Stories
Sometimes, when you are talking to a woman, she will decide to "open up" to you with a tale of abortion that you never wanted to hear. As unseemly at it may sound, the woman is actually flirting with you. When a woman awkwardly starts telling you about the time she got scraped, all she is really trying to tell you is that you can fuck her without a condom. Go get her, boy!

"I Think You Should Fuck Me"
If these six words are ever huskily whispered into your ear by some pretty young thing, don't assume that she is mocking you. When a woman speaks these words, she is upping the ante considerably and is leaving herself no plausible deniability as to whether or not she is flirting. So, although your first instinct upon hearing these words might be to curl up and tremble, what you should actually do is unfurl your stiffening dong from your trousers and make like you're with a large, soft fist.

She Asks You to Babysit
When a woman introduces you to her child, what she's really introducing you to is the fact that she likes to fuck without a condom. When she asks you to watch him for a week and suggests that you "take it out in trade" as payment, well that just drives the point home, doesn't it?

Hindsight, Fucking Hindsight

Well, there you have it. It all seems so obvious to me now; but the implication inherent in each of the aforementioned examples is something I didn't realize until many years after it would have made any difference for me. I do hope that at least one person out there learns from my mistakes. If you are one such person, I encourage you to write in with any success stories. If you are like me, you probably still won't be brazen enough to take action even when her desire is staring you in the face. That is ok though. That's why I'm here.