SociallyInept.com

Wednesday, July 12, 2000

My Penis Seems Much Larger in the Mirror

The shriveled, sickly vestigial thumb that is my penis somehow manages to appear robust and healthy when viewed in a mirror.  There is currently no explanation for the discrepancy, which has recently become a source of great confusion and sadness.

Nighttime Sniffling, Sneezing...

Three nights ago, I was startled from sleep by a series of loud sneezes, emanating from my groin.  I threw back the covers and looked down to my nether-regions, and saw my ashen member gazing back at me listlessly before starting into a fresh fit of sneezes.  After each sneeze, it would recoil slightly, then spasm to the right with the next "A-choo!!!"
It was at this point that I bolted out of bed and ran to the bathroom mirror to better see what was going on.  This proved to be a huge mistake.

The Saddest Hog

The second I flipped on the bathroom light, my penis shrieked at the top of its dick-lungs and pointed accusingly (with it's dick-finger) at the reflected penis before it.  In the mirror, my hog appeared more thick and healthy than I have ever seen any part of my body, let alone my penis, which now sat defeatedly hunched amidst my pubes.  Then the situation deteriorated further as the mirror-penis, suddenly noticing the humiliated real-penis in front of it, reared its massive head and began laughing maliciously, while extending its middle finger at my poor schlong.  It proceeded to mock my penis by contorting itself into shapes that my diminutive peck could never dream of achieving.  It formed a letter S; it tied itself into a knot; it shaped itself into the cursive writ of Abraham Lincoln and formed the Gettysburg Address.  And from between my legs arose the soft sobbing of the utterly dispirited.

Standing Up for My Own

"You disgusting tuber!!!" I bellowed at Mirror-Penis.  "You loop of intestine!!!  You length of excrement!!!"  I had never had to shout insults at my reflected penis before, and could not be sure if my yelling was having any effect.  Mirror-Penis was now giddily dancing the Charleston.  Beginning to feel thoroughly depressed, I looked up into my reflected eyes.
They weren't my eyes at all.

How Embarrassing

Looking into my friend's terrified stare, I realized that I had mistaken his bedroom for my bathroom, and his dancing clown-cock for a malicious misrepresentative reflection of my own.
"Sorry man," I said, "I'll go back to bed now."
"You asshole!!!!" he screamed, as his wife regarded my crotch quizzically.  "You get your shit and leave, NOW."
I spent the rest of that night hiding in his backyard.