My Cats Dig the Money Shot

Invariably, Feline Eyes Are Watching When I Grunt a Dribble

In the ever-growing laundry list of ways in which my life is shit, few gall me so much as the fact that my two cats insist on watching me whenever I masturbate. Their uncanny ability to discern when and where I am about to desperately tug on my peck is as remarkable as it is annoying.

Fortunately, I have recently discovered that this happens to every single socially inept guy on the planet who has cats; so I have tapped the vast scientific resource that is the SociallyInept.com Institute for Feline Studies to find out why cats insist on sitting atop our chests to watch us when we masturbate. For your benefit I have compiled the answers here.

The Top Ten Reasons Why Your Cats Always Watch You When You Masturbate

1. They want to play with the funny mouse when you’re done.
2. Sometimes when you masturbate, you knock over the bag of catnip.
3. They are your reincarnated grandparents, judging you.
4. They are enchanted by the chirping sound that your penis makes when you yank it.
5. At the moment of climax, you sometimes scrunch your nose up like a cute, jizzuming kitten.
6. There is no discernable physical difference between your ejaculating penis and a lactating cat nipple, thus causing their hungry stares.
7. You told them you wouldn’t feed them unless they watched you masturbate.
8. They figure that watching you masturbate isn't gay since you're of a different species.
9. It is an instinctual behavior cultivated from ancient Egyptian times when cats discovered that watching men masturbate made them happy.
10. They always hear you bitching about wanting pussy and are confused because they’re right there.