Saturday, October 23, 2004

The Anal Cure

The Heartache of Unrequited Love Can Be Eased with a Well-timed Fart

The porking of women
is not mine to do
Since I've sadly discovered
They've anuses too
---- Archilocus (c. 700-650 B.C.)

The wisdom handed down from the ancient Greeks is not limited to merely acknowledging our ignorance. The great poet Archilocus wrote the first recorded acknowledgement of the fact that women, who we are too often prone to fall in love with, are possessed of anuses no less hideous than our own. This seemingly simple concept was something that Greek men had never really considered up until that point; and the immediate result was a drastic shift in social attitudes that ushered in a proud era of fucking little boys that endures to this day.
What Archilocus' words also hint at, though, is a powerful method by which even the most lovestruck among us can reduce or even completely eliminate the pain of being in love with a woman who doesn't feel similarly towards us.

The Stench of Indifference

I'd rather throw in
with a bung, dropping mud
Than a furrier one
shitting children and blood
---- Archilocus

I first experienced the phenomenon while walking through a large shopping mall full of attractive young females. I was in the food court, next to McDonalds, staring longingly at a beautiful and slutty-looking 16-year-old standing off in the distance next to yonder Sbarro pizzeria. As I lazily stared at her, idly wondering what she might say if presented with my twitching penis, I suddenly smelled a horrible, horrible fart. What happened at this point was most interesting. Even though the 16-year-old could not possibly have been the source of the stench (she was much too far away), I nevertheless found myself becoming absolutely disgusted with her. Even though my rational mind told me that there was no connection between my beloved and the ass-smell, the simple fact that I was looking at her while smelling it led to me being completely repulsed by her.

Further experimenting at the SociallyInept.com Institute of Mental Health (SIMH) has determined that by merely thinking about the object of your affections, and while smelling your own fart, you can cause that person to become completely unattractive to you.

Dr. Jonathan Crisp of SIMH observes, "Though it clearly is not a rational reaction to smelling one's own gas while thinking of a desired individual, it definitely makes sense on an aromatic level." Dr. Crisp has only been working at the Institute for a couple weeks.

Reader Feedback Confirms the Efficacy of the Method

"I cut an acrid fart while thinking of my beloved. Now, whenever I think of her, I marvel at what a stinky, disgusting cunt she is." --- Ted Evans, Chatsworth, CA

"I've had a crush on the same supermarket cashier for the past 13 months straight. One day, as I stared at her from the other end of her store, I passed a tangy steamer. I was completely disgusted, and I began to wonder how I could have loved such a gross farting woman for so long. And then I wondered if perhaps she might not secretly be my own sister since her brand smells exactly like my own. Fucking sick bitch!" --- David Cuntington, Baton Rouge, LA

"I was recently daydreaming about the girl I've had a crush on for the last six years. While so doing, I tried to fart and instead filled my pants with hot diarrhea. I immediately stopped thinking of her and started thinking of how in fuck I was going to get off the bus without everyone noticing my wet, brown, reeking shit-ass." --- Colin Forbes, Comox, British Columbia