The True Origins of Chivalry
The Modern Gentleman Bears a Striking Resemblance to the Rapist of Old
There have been many times when I have sat on a crowded city bus and wished that I had the guts to offer my seat to an attractive young woman forced to stand in the aisle. There have also been many times that I have fought the instinct to open a door for a woman, for fear she might lash out at the gesture in a hysterical feminist frenzy.
But now, I am happy to report, those feelings of inadequacy are gone. The latest research from the SociallyInept.com Institute of Historical Studies has revealed that almost all such chivalrous gestures find their roots in a sleazy desire for pussy that cannot be respected. Socially inept men everywhere can now take solace in the fact that they are morally superior to virtually all socially competent men, the kind that women swoon over on a daily basis. Oh god, how I embrace denial.
The origins of some specific chivalrous customs are herewith examined in the critical light of truth:
Let Me Open That Door For You
The first recorded instance of a man insisting on opening a door for a woman was in 30,452 B.C. At that time, an enterprising caveman named Grok was lamenting the fact that he had not forcefully taken a cavewoman from behind in many moons. Always, the females were too intelligent to allow him to position himself behind them. Then one day, as he was about to walk under a tree branch (the earliest known ancestor of the doorway), a sneaky idea occurred to him. He turned around to face the comely young cavewoman walking behind him, and gruntingly offered to hold the tree branch up for her as she walked through. She smiled, in the disgusting ape-like way of the cavewoman and accepted his offer. As soon as she had walked past, Grok giddily clambered onto her backside and began humping her silly.
Though men no longer freely take women from behind (clothes have ruined everything), they can certainly continue to stare at women's sweet asses, and the opening-the-door ruse remains popular for this reason. The next time you see a man open a door for a lady, watch his eyes and see how they flick down to her posterior. Then watch how his crotch twitches. These are hard- wired instincts we're dealing with. Remarkably, women still haven't caught on.
Let Me Offer You My Seat, Ma'am
The tradition of giving up one's seat for a woman also has it's roots in the culture of prehistoric man. At that time, a brilliant caveman named B'gar realized that if he stood up and offered his sitting rock to a woman, her face would be perfectly crotch-level to him when she sat down. B'gar further realized that if he yawned, it would cause the fuzzy, hideous cavewoman to yawn, thus allowing him to cram his gnarly, unclad caveman penis into her mouth. Word spread quickly from caveman to caveman of the benefits of politely giving up one's sitting stone to a woman, and of impolitely ramming one's cave-cock in her gullet.
Today, men continue to offer their seats to women under the pretense of "being a gentleman". Although the advent of clothing prevents the "dick-down-the-throat" maneuver enjoyed by the cavemen, modern man still enjoys the view down the woman's shirt as she appreciatively accepts his offer. Additionally, men will often position themselves in such a way that their crotch can "accidentally" brush against the woman's face. This tactic is best used on a city bus, or some other moving vehicle, where even the slightest bump in the road can be used as an excuse for thrusting one's groin into the adoring eye of she who has taken your seat.
Let Me Help You With Your Coat, O Lovely Lady
The gentleman's custom of helping a woman take off her coat has evolved greatly since the practice was created. The first time it ever took place was the year 1386, when a mildly retarded Danish man named Engos Ruddy saw a remarkably fair young woman struggling to remove her coat under the hot summer sun. Engos grew insanely horny at the sight, as retarded men are prone to do, and resolved at that moment to tear the woman's coat off, along with every other last bit of clothing on her. This resolve did not make him any less meek, however, so it was with great trepidation that he approached and sputtered, "Can I...I wants to take your coat off."
The woman had never before received such a kind offer and was more than happy to let Engos help her. He first took the coat off of her left arm, and was about to take it off of her right when the pounding, lustful drums of retardation beating in his head became overwhelming. Without ever removing the coat, he reached around and placed a big, dumb hand on each of her breasts and spastically dry-humped her leg, reaching climax before she had a chance to comprehend what was happening. Several gentleman passers-by witnessed the incident and each made a mental note of this new flimsy pretense by which they could lay their hands on women. Then they gathered around Engos Ruddy and beat him to death, in an effort to score pussy points with the fine lady that he had just accosted.
Today's man proudly continues the retarded tradition of helping women with their coats, but rather than dry-humping the woman's leg, the modern gentleman discreetly masturbates into her coat as he carries it to the closet.
The Myth of Sir Walter Raleigh
The most well-known historical act of chivalry is that of Sir Walter Raleigh laying his own coat across a patch of mud so that Queen Elizabeth could trod upon it. That is the myth. The reality is that the ever-lascivious Raleigh never actually removed his coat before laying himself down on his back in the mud. Then, as the Queen attempted to step over him, he opportunistically grabbed at her ass and snatch while concealed under her dress. In her haste to get away, the flustered Queen stumbled and fell face first into a second puddle of mud. Still laying in the first puddle and already bringing his fingers to his nose to sniff them was Raleigh, now visibly aroused.
In subsequent years, Queen Elizabeth refused to speak of the incident, believing that her dignity would best be preserved by dropping the matter entirely. Sir Walter Raleigh was not nearly so gracious. For two full years he refused to wash his hands, correctly believing that the Queen's scent on his fingers would ensure his good standing among the men of England. At every social function he attended, Raleigh would insist that all men present come and "get a whiff of her High-anus". It was only when the English socialites realized that the stink of the Queen had long since given way to the stink of Raleigh's own anus that he was arrested and his head chopped off.
------ For past articles, go to the Archive.