Sunday, January 7, 2007
Understanding Horniness

The Horniest Man in the World is Me

Over the last 15 years, I have been masturbating approximately five times a day. Recently—and for reasons that are not even clear to myself—I have ceased this practice. Now, my jizz-laden balls sit petulantly in my briefs, angrily emitting waves of pure horniness throughout my body and soul all day, every day. I now realize that it is possible to yearn so desperately for pussy that I find myself not only mentally but physically exhausted from the strain of it. But this unspeakable horniness that I currently endure has resulted in insights that are unspeakably brilliant.

The Five Stages of Horniness

Horniness is a complex demon. To think of it as a mere desire to screw is to oversimplify one of the most harrowing and destructive afflictions of the socially inept male's psyche. The most current research on the topic suggests that there are five stages of horniness, with each stage progressively more awful than the last. Here I will attempt to define each known stage of horniness, and present pertinent related information that every man should know.

Stage 1: Fleeting
Easily the most harmless and tolerable of the five stages, fleeting horniness is also the most common and unavoidable. It typically emerges in response to seeing a sexy image, or a passing woman, and is often characterized by a quick and involuntary flick of the eyes downward to glance at the woman's backside, perhaps with an accompanying twitch of the penis. This hard-wired, instinctual response to everyday stimuli is something that no male is immune to, not even male infants. The nearly constant, spastic twitching of newborn infant penises upon first glimpsing their mother's vaginas is well-documented in medical circles.

Stage 2: Distracting
Stage 2 horniness is caused as a result of not having jizzed in a while, and it is at this stage that horniness begins to affect judgement. A typical, healthy man will begin to experience Stage 2 horniness within three days of his last jerk-off. Though not life-threatening, this can cause a man to engage in pointless interactions with women that he might not otherwise make. Fortunately, Stage 2 horniness is mercifully easy to cure. By merely jerking himself off with gusto, a man can stave off the annoying and sometimes dangerous effects of Stage 2 horniness on the brain. Now let us look at some real-life examples of how masturbating can restore a man to rational thought.

Before Masturbating: "I should call up that girl I used to know in high school. Maybe she still wants to fuck."
After Masturbating: "I used to know that girl in high school."

Before Masturbating: "That hottie that works two cubicles down from me looks like she knows how to suck a mean cock. I should see if she wants to go out for drinks after work."
After Masturbating: "I think I'm going to drink after work."

Before Masturbating: "I wonder if that cute girl is still working at the coffee counter. I think she liked me."
After Masturbating: "Coffee sure is expensive these days."

Before Masturbating: "They say that if you just walk up to women and ask them to have sex with you, 1 in 10 will say yes. I should try that."
After Masturbating: "Man, I'm glad I didn't try that."

Before Masturbating: "I think I'll make plans to get lunch with that chick in underwriting. She doesn't seem picky."
After Masturbating: "I don't want to go have lunch with that fat cunt."

Stage 3: Deep
At this third stage of horniness, masturbation loses its effectiveness as a remedy. Stage 3 horniness comes about as the result of not engaging in actual sex for an extended period of time. The human body is not easily fooled, and the cock is aware of whether or not its eruption of sperm has been coaxed forth by a vaginal grip. Even a man who jerks off several times a day will feel the underlying angst and displeasure of Stage 3 horniness if he never engages in proper coitus with a human female. Stage 3 horniness often causes depression and pissiness.

Stage 4: Shitty
This nefarious and cruel brand of horniness is unique in that it only afflicts men who are married or in an otherwise committed relationship. In Stage 4 horniness, an intense and ever-present feeling of lust builds up slowly over many years, and cannot be relieved through masturbation or marital coitus. The man so afflicted can only find relief by fucking somebody other than his wife. But even though engaging in such behavior can alleviate the Stage 4 horniness for weeks, months, or even years, it also often results in guilt.

Stage 5: Pathetic
Those who truly have no hope of ever getting laid will eventually find themselves suffering from this fifth and most wretched stage of horniness. It is characterized by profound loneliness and lovesickness, in addition to the constant, maddening desire to fuck. At this point, there are probably fewer than 20 women in the world that the afflicted would not consider screwing. Stage 5 horniness is so horrendously intense that one of the most common visible symptoms is baleful weeping, along with an ever-present stain on the front of the pants caused by a horny and bitter cock that refuses to stop dribbling spunk. Most men in Stage 5 have incredibly small penises, though it is a matter of some debate as to whether or not it is the small size of the penis that causes the lack of pussy, or if it is the eternal lack of pussy that causes the penises to shrivel to their worthlessly small size.

How to Deal with Horniness

There are no easy answers for those of us who have no realistic chance of getting pussy, but here are some common sense practices that can make the reality of a sexless life slightly more bearable.

1) Work out. This will not alleviate the horniness, but you'll look better when you jerk off at the end of the day.

2) In the morning, when enjoying your morning cup of coffee, make an effort to refrain from your morning "think about pussy".

3) After masturbating and spraying your own face with jizz, gaze into a mirror and reflect on how gay you look. Do this every day until you hate yourself.

4) Whenever you find yourself staring lustfully at a woman's behind, be mindful of the fact that pungent logs of fecal matter are pushed sloppily out of that sweet ass on a daily basis.

5) Look at sperm under a microscope, and be horrified that millions of those writhing, wormy creepy-crawlies are trotting out of your cock every time you jizz.

6) Remember that no matter how hot the woman, she is nothing but a bunch of atoms.

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