Saturday, February 17, 2007
Window of Opportunity

Britney Spears Would Probably Fuck Anybody Right Now

Here's the Deal

In a strange twist of cosmic awesomeness, the most boner-inducing woman on the planet has now also become the woman most likely to say "Sure, whatever" when you ask her to fuck you. If you are in the Sherman Oaks area, it is time to stride boldly forth into the world and seek out this shambling trainwreck in need of vaginal solace.

Back Alley Tweaker = Potential Bragging Rights

For the socially inept, one of the very few categories of women that can consistently be counted on to have sex with us is Rehab Runaway with Self-Shaved Head and Body Littered with Ill-Advised Tattoos. Typically, this kind of woman is so undesirable that she does not even make the token appearance in our jerk-off fantasies; but now, that woman is Britney Spears. Even if you do not believe that I speak true, your cock surely does—do you feel how it grows in your trousers as you read my words?

If ever there was a time to set aside your insecurities, now is that time. Next week, if you find yourself listening to some shitheel poseur at a coffeeshop talking about how he butt-fucked a vomiting Britney in the bathroom at McDonald's, you will only have yourself to blame for not being the owner of that dung-gilded pole. Step up.

Bodyguards

Fuck me—I just remembered that Britney Spears is constantly surrounded by bodyguards. I guess all my advice still applies, but you first have to get a job as one of her bodyguards. Let me know how that goes.

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