SociallyInept.com

Monday, July 03, 2000

BREAKTHROUGH!!!

Drug Helps Socially Inept Monkeys Attract Mates

In a remarkable discovery sure to send shockwaves through the scientific world, a handful of researchers at the Gussman Center for Sociology have stumbled upon a drug treatment which makes socially inept male lab monkeys irresistible to their female counterparts.  

An Unconventional Method

For the study, a group of chimpanzees which were deemed to be particularly socially inept were extracted from a massive shipping crate stuffed to the gills with monkeys.
    "We administered large doses of cocaine to the apes," explains Dr. Tub Crummer, Lead Researcher.  "But it is the method in which we administered it, I think, that made all the difference."
Rather than force the chimpanzees to snort the drug, the Gussman researchers instead gave each monkey a large sandwich bag packed with one full pound of cocaine, and placed on each bag a label which clearly said "COCAINE".  So in actuality, no drug was ingested by any of the inept apes.

Ladykillers

With bags of cocaine in hand, the incompetent chimps were then placed into the Gussman Commons area, where interaction with a large assortment of male and female apes could take place.  What happened next was unprecedented.
    "Within five minutes, all 36 female chimps had congregated around our ten cocaine-bearing test apes," recalled Associate Researcher Dr. Samson Glyph, "and they were being more openly flirtatious than we'd ever seen any of them before.  Our test apes didn't know what to do with their sudden erections, nor we with ours."

The Woman's Perspective

Kona, one of the few female chimpanzees at the facility that is capable of sign language, communicated with us through an interpreter:

"Why do you like Glip [one of the test apes]?"
KONA:  I fucking hate Glip.  But I like his bag, if you know what I mean.  Now get the fuck out of my face, shitbird!!!

"Wow!  Can you show me how to do that sign language pooping bird thing?  That was cool!"
KONA:  [punches journalist in teeth]

 "Chimp-Daddy"

Throughout the course of the research, one particular test chimpanzee proved himself to be miles ahead of the competition, even within his own test group.  This unusually tall ape, often referred to as "Chimp-Daddy" by the Gussman researchers, was seen to have copulated with each of the 36 females at least twice within the first week of the experiment.  Almost as amazing as his tremendously successful promiscuity was the fact that Chimp-Daddy didn't really look much like a chimp at all, but rather like a man wearing a shoddy and unconvincing monkey costume.   During one recent lovemaking session, Chimp-Daddy displayed his renowned extraordinary intelligence by groaning aloud----in perfectly enunciated English----"Oh, hell yeah!!!" as he reached climax.  Then he removed his ape-suit and displayed his brilliant simian talent for mimicry as he now looked exactly like Lead Researcher Crummer.
    "Oh, Jesus," yelped Chimp-Daddy as he noticed me peeking at him from behind a bush, jotting in my notepad.  "Oh Jesus Christ-----don't tell anybody about this!!!" 
At that moment, I realized that I could not recall any monkey anywhere that had such a remarkable ability as this one.  Now he was delving into an impersonation of Dr. Crummer as a man about to lose his career in a performance that could only be called genius.
    "Chimp-Daddy," I said admiringly, "You're hilarious!!!"
    "I'm serious, you fuck!!!  Don't tell anybody-----I have a wife and three kids!  This will ruin me!"