SociallyInept.com

Friday, June 22, 2001

Failing Company Forgets Own Anniversary

In what is perhaps the most telling indicator of its failure, SociallyInept.com's remaining staff completely forgot to celebrate the beleaguered dot-com's one-year anniversary on May 29, 2001.  On that date, instead of partying the night away with their one paid employee, co-founders Aaron and Chris were alone in their respective places of residence wondering where their lives had gone wrong, with nary a thought given to their once-promising website.  Rather than snort a line of coke, Aaron struggled to fill in a line on a crossword puzzle.  Instead of nailing a hired escort, Chris earnestly nailed up a framed print of a cocker spaniel in his bedroom.

Quality of Writing Deteriorated in Recent Months

Outside observers had been noticing for several months that the caliber of writing presented at SociallyInept.com was not up to the website's original standards.  Michael Kinsley of Slate recently wrote an article about SociallyInept.com which included the following devastating critique:
...As a company, SociallyInept.com proved to be a complete failure.  At no point was a profit realized; at no point was a product identified; and at no point was any effort made to make the company anything other than what it ended up as----a complete washout.  
     As a self-help website, SociallyInept .com also failed, and in spectacular fashion----an estimated 1 in 50 visitors to the website proceeded to commit suicide after being convinced by the site that they should just "give up".
    But what really makes a visit to SociallyInept.com painful is the hideously sophomoric missives that pass as writing on its pages.  A recent front page article on the site laments the fact that tipping waitresses does not result in sex.  Another article attempts to bring glory to the author by making fun of overweight people.  And yet another page finds the author belittling his genitals, which begs the question:  If your writing is aimed at someone with the IQ of an ape, would you not be better off inscribing the article on the side of a banana and sparing us the bandwidth?

Still Not Paying Attention

SociallyInept.com co-founders Aaron and Chris remain unaware that their site's one-year anniversary has passed.  When asked if May 29th represented a significant event in his life, Aaron responded morosely, "Yeah, that's the day I should've been aborted.  Hell, I should still be aborted."
When asked the same question, Chris opened his mouth as if to respond, then suddenly barfed a geyser of liquor-saturated puke onto said interviewer's arms and notepad.  When asked if he couldn't have at least excused himself and vomited in the bathroom, Chris responded, "Yeah, I could've if you weren't standing between me and the door, you asshole."