SociallyInept.com

        Monday, October 2, 2000

HACKED!!!

SociallyInept.com Falls Victim to Unusually Mean-Spirited Cyber-Vandals

At 1:00pm PST today, the SociallyInept.com website was suddenly littered with vulgarity-laden verbal abuse of the site's administrators, in what is being called a "certifiable hacker assault".

Leave My Penis Out of This

In the blink of an eye, SociallyInept.com's  five-week-old, crusty front page article about cybersex was replaced with a new article entitled, "Chris & Aarons' Stupid Dicks", in which a series of crude and humiliating accusations were leveled at the genitalia of both of the website's writers.  The hacker(s) contended, in part, "Aaron's appendage is cold constantly, as if blood has not run through it for centuries."
"How the fuck did they know that?" lamented Aaron, tears squirting like ejaculate from his face, only to turn to ice as they settled on his groin.  
Several cruel taunts were also focused on Chris' "asparagus tip".

"Who do we know that likes to hack into websites?"

On a somewhat positive note, Agent Mike Krieg of the FBI predicts that the odds of identifying the parties responsible for the attack are very good.
"What we have here is a very unpopular website," explained Agent Krieg, "not unpopular in the sense that a lot of people hate it, but in the sense that nobody even knows it exists.  I mean, Christ, what do they have, 800 hits-----773 of them from checking the hit counter themselves?  This means that whoever launched the attack was likely somebody that Chris and Aaron know personally."

A Hack of Shit

The most unusual aspect of the case is the fact that the cyber-attack did not only affect the SociallyInept.com website, but also the SociallyInept.com toilet.  At approximately the same time as the assault on the website, the toilet shared by Chris and Aaron was filled with a stinking mass of feces not their own.
"When I first saw it, I thought Aaron blew out his rectum," recalled Chris, "because of the flesh-like chunks clinging to the bowl."
"It almost smelled worse than those beef shits that Chris gets," chimed Aaron, "...almost."
The FBI has thus far been at a loss to explain the sudden presence of the pungent mass of feces.  Walking bowlegged back to his car, Agent Krieg speculated: "Could've been sent through the modem line if the hackers were really tricky.  Ow.  Yeah, could've been done."