SociallyInept.com

Saturday, November 4, 2000

The Joy of Self-Deceit

Method 1: The Job Interview

The key to dating success for the socially inept hinges on the ability to rise to a position of authority within your company----a position that allows you to hire----before you are discovered to be a fraud.  It truly is possible, and it seems to be working at least for now, and every day you are not fired will be funnier than the last.  Now, we can not offer any advice on how to get a real date, or how to interact with her if you should manage to get one on your own, but we can offer this advice.  Some people refer to this portion of the hiring process as an interview, but we prefer to think of it as a date. 

Step 1

Put ad in paper.  If you actually have an opening, this is obvious.  If not, use the pretense of wanting some fresh applications on file or wanting to polish your interviewing techniques.

Step 2

Carefully screen your applicants.  Unless you actually have some pressure to hire, there is no need to interview a man, and that should still be a last resort.

Step 3

Schedule dates.  This is remarkably easy because not even the wretchedness of your personality can overpower the girls' desire for a job.

Step 4

Set up some private place for the date so no witnesses can testify against you should you get too personal with your questions.  But don't worry about blunders because the person you are dating won't jeopardize her chance of working for you by pressing charges.

Step 5

Show up for your date.  You don't have to give her flowers, buy her dinner or a movie and she will at least pretend to be very interested in you.  If you have your people screening properly, she will also dress in very slutty clothes and will be a big flirt.  If she mentions a boyfriend, cut it short.  You don't want to hear about other guys on your date.

Step 6

Determine if you want to date her again.  Let the date know that these are just preliminary interviews and you are scheduling follow-ups with the candidates that are most "qualified".  This tends to irritate most dates because they are there under the impression that you actually have an opening.  If you do have an opening, a second date can be scheduled right away.  If not, just remember which ones to call in when a position is open.