"We don't want to date you, but you're the type of guy that we eventually will want to get married to."
- A self-proclaimed representative of womankind, telling me that I suck in the nicest terms possible

"All those dirty encounters with fat chicks that once filled me with regret...I now look back on with such longing."
- Me, or someone that looks an awful lot like me

"Socially incompetent men can take comfort in the fact that if there are truly an infinite number of universes, then surely one exists where despair is as precious a commodity as gold."
- Stephen Hawking

"You need to learn the difference between being a nice guy and being a pussy."
- My Ex-girlfriend, doing her best to help me.

"You just don't go into another man's house and start fuckin' his boys!!!"
- Wilford Brimley

"#1:  Male Administrative Assistant
"#2:  Webmaster of Failing Dot-com
"#3:  Gay Prostitute"
- From the official listing of the Top 100 Least Sexy Jobs for Heterosexual Males

Speaking with women is never more difficult than when I'm awake.
- Howard Hughes

What are you freaking out about?  I didn't even show him my pussy!!!
- My Ex-girlfriend, after posing topless for some random guy with a camera

I know that my penis may look and feel like an actual physical appendage; but I'm aware now that it's really just a social construct.    
- David Bale, recently married to Gloria Steinem

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man may be king; but the one-eyed snake is still just a crude term that means 'penis'... probably some blind guy's penis.  
- Helen Keller, delirious in her final hours

I bet you've never been horny once in all your life, have you?
- Bill Clinton, to Madeleine Albright, overheard

There's no time like the present to name your penis.  Now I'd like you to meet Gravymaker.
- Walter Cronkite, drunk off his ass

With the ladies, so inept
so Death on Jimmy Wallace crept
but weren't for loneliness he died----
Was cause we shot his hapless hide!!!
- Unattributed 19th century children's poem

"A come in the hand is worth two in the bush."
- Benjamin Franklin

"Sometimes you just gotta get drunk and screw the fat girl."
- Me----wait----I mean, some other guy said that.

"Behind every great man is a woman who loves him.  But you are not a great man."
- My witty but cruel Ex-girlfriend

"Shit in one hand, want in the other and see which one fills up first."
- Jesus Christ, or at least we're pretty sure it was him.