Saturday,
November 25, 2000
Progressive
Sociologists Alter Definition of "Virginity"
New
Meaning Represents a "Tall, Cold Glass of Self-Esteem" for Socially
Inept Men
Four
out of every five men around the world who had previously considered themselves
virgins have actually had sex, according to the latest study coming out of the
Kinsey Institute of Sexual Research.
A
Simple Concept...and a Brilliant Insight
At
a mid-morning press conference, Dr. Michael Beckwith of the Kinsey Institute
explained the findings thus:
"It's really quite simple. When a baby boy is being born, his
baby-penis invariably comes into contact with the mommy-vagina.
Technically, this is sexual intercourse. Not only that, but many of these
babies are also, technically, engaging in oral sex and manual stimulation,
albeit briefly."
This statement was met with a frantic smattering of applause from the otherwise
professional crowd of journalists. One apparent dissenter shouted
"You sick fuck!", and was about to be escorted out of the press
conference until it was realized that he was talking to the sick fuck next to
him who had shown up totally nude except for the Cabbage Patch Kid fitted snugly
over his member.
Ecstatic
Incompetents
Burton
Crump, 14, summed up the emotions of many male virgins suddenly realizing that
they've been laid:
"I read that Don Johnson lost his virginity to his babysitter when he was
twelve. Well screw you, Don Johnson!!!"
Don Johnson responded to Burton Crump's statement with a press release which
read, in part, "Though I had previously believed that I had lost my
virginity when I humped my babysitter, I have since been informed that I lost my
virginity when my baby-penis rubbed against the inside of my mother's
mommy-vagina during birth. I sincerely regret that Mr. Crump is so
resentful of my sexual prowess..."
Societal
Landscape Changing?
Many
representatives of the greeting card industry have said they expect to start
getting far more business for the Mother's Day holiday than ever before.
Likewise for florists, who say they are planning to be prepared for the next
Mother's Day with floral arrangements more sensual in nature than has previously
been the custom.
"In the past we've done our Mother's Day bouquets with a focus on variety
in color and flower type," says Doug Jensen, of Jensen Floral Company,
"but we are going to be shifting that focus to place the emphasis primarily
on roses, as well as on the photographs of people screwing that will be taped to
the flowers."
"True
Virgins"
Almost
forgotten in this day of joyous realization, however, are the "true
virgins", described by the Kinsey Institute as "those virgin men who
had the grand misfortune of being born via the sexually repressive caesarean
section".
Victor Snee is one such virgin. At the age of 26, he has just recently
given up his job as a Subway sandwich engineer in order to take up the much less
lucrative career of bitterly yelling at his mother from outside of her
Westhampton apartment.
"Mom!!!" he screams, anguished, "you didn't need to get a
C-section---- Dad told me so!!!" He pauses, waiting for a
response. From his mother's bedroom window can be seen a frail hand,
slowly rising and extending its middle finger. He continues his
screams. "That was my motherfucking birthright!"
Then, in an act of remarkable cruelty, his mother stands before the window,
lifts a leg and proceeds to give vaginal birth to a healthy, grinning baby
boy. Victor drops to his knees in horror. "You two-timing
whore-----I'll fucking kill you!!!"
But no killing will be done today, for Victor Snee is a broken man. I put
a warm, consoling hand on his shoulder and whisper in his ear:
"Y'know, Victor, it's a known fact that 93% of all men born via caesarean
section end up homosexual."
Victor screeches to the heavens and I chuckle softly. That statistic is a
bogus lie, but what would be the fun in telling him that?
