SociallyInept.com

        January 20, 2003

The Folly of Stalking

Seemingly Good Idea Rarely Delivers Any Positive Results 

     If you've ever stood outside a woman's window holding a boom box over your head that's blaring a sappy Peter Gabriel love song, then you've probably learned the hard way that there's a huge difference between what women say they want men to do, and what they actually want men to do.  You probably also realized that there is a striking similarity in those supposedly romantic actions which they say they would like to see more of, and those actions which, when they occur in reality, will prompt those same women to call the police.  You then probably learned, as you festered in County for 30 days, that guys who foolishly try to emulate John Cusack's famous boom box scene from "Say Anything" are accorded just slightly less respect than are child molesters.  At least that's what I learned.  I also learned that when a barista smiles at you, it doesn't necessarily mean she wants you to follow her home.

     All of this is to illustrate the larger point that stalking rarely results in one's love being reciprocated, despite the fact that memorizing a woman's work schedule and all of her favorite foods is clearly demonstrative of a great amount of dedication and caring.  In fact, the latest research indicates that this sort of behavior is seen as downright creepy by the women that it is directed toward.  For men that are incapable of interacting with an attractive woman in a normal way, however, there are still some options available. 

"Successful" Stalking

     Though it technically isn't stalking, the enormously popular "Ass Doctor" approach to female interaction has been criticized by some feminist groups as "openly deceptive and outrageously sleazy".
     Here's how it works.  Knock on the door of the woman you're interested in.  When she answers, identify yourself as The Ass Doctor and say that there's been an outbreak of Assgina reported in the neighborhood.  Tell her it is critical that you examine her ass to determine if she needs to be vaccinated.  Invariably, she will believe you and allow you into her home to examine/molest her unclad posterior.
     <WRITER'S NOTE: As an aside, let it be known that I am writing this article at a very late, very lonely hour and am just as concerned as you about where this is going.>
     At the conclusion of your examination, charge her $200.

Booby Master

     The other common tactic currently employed by legions of otherwise inept men is the "Booby Master" ruse.
Here's how it works.  Knock on the door of the woman you're interested in.  When she answers, tell her that you are the Booby Master and that it is of the utmost importance that you play with her boobies.  Without exception, women will believe you when you tell them this.  Follow her into her home and proceed to play with her boobies with the slack-jawed, stupid delight of a high school retard discovering himself in the restroom.  When you are done, exit out the rear door of her home, then circle back around to the front door and knock.  When she answers, introduce yourself as Cap'n Cervix.

Cap'n Cervix

     Employ the following dialogue when portraying yourself as Cap'n Cervix:

YOU:    Oy, I'm Cap'n Cervix!!!

HER:    Really?  Hello.

YOU:    YAAAARG!!!  I needs to check and see if yer cervix is seaworthy!!!  Take me in yer home, lassie!!  Lemme stickin mah special hardarm in yer...um...

<EDITOR'S NOTE: The writer was found asleep at his desk, not having written anything past this point.  He has been fired.  This article will be replaced once a new writer has been hired and a new article written.>