SociallyInept.com

Tuesday, April 03, 2001

Save Your Money:
Generous Tipping Does Not Score Pussy

In a well-organized study which we have already come to regret conducting, Sociallyinept.com has discovered that grossly overgenerous tipping of waitresses does not result in an endless bounty of pussy.  In fact, it does not result in anything. 

Case Study #1

At the Lynnwood Denny's, Felicia was a promising prospect.  After taking our order, she turned to walk away and, as she did so, appeared to wink at us with her buttocks.  After ordering $15 worth of food, we left a $20 tip.  
     "Are you sure you want to leave this much?" she asked.
     "I'm sure we do," said Chris, speaking to Felicia's chest.
     "Um, thank you," stammered Felicia before leaving our table.  But this time as she turned to walk away and our eyes lowered to her posterior, it clearly was no longer winking at us.  This time, it seemed to contort itself into a mocking sneer, before farting audibly.  
     "Jesus Christ!!!" exclaimed Chris as he frantically attempted to wave the stench away from his face.  Then as he sat at the table, crippled by dry-heaves, I got up and quickly made my way to the exit.

Case Study #2

Our next attempt was at Hooters on Lake Union.  After spending $46 on alcohol, we drunkenly slid $200 to our server, Syndi.  Believing that she would surely accompany us back home, we were astonished to see her bring the money to an extremely muscular gent standing next to the kitchen and tuck the full wad of bills in his pocket.  He then belched in her face and muttered, "Nice work, bitch."  We were so appalled by this that we stood and walked out of the place without even waiting for our erections to wane.

Case Study #3

This time we tried a local McDonalds.  Without even bothering with the pretense of ordering food, I handed $500 to the most attractive young lady there.  Her eyes positively lit up as she began to tell me of how she'd always daydreamed of running into me and becoming rich.  However, when it became clear that she thought I was Ed McMahon, I bellowed "Fuck you" at the top of my lungs and was booted from the premises.  On a positive note, Chris stayed behind and got some pussy (Quarter Pounder with Cheese, whatever).