SociallyInept.com

Friday, December 12, 2002
Sociallyinept.com Exclusive
You Are Not Depressed!!!

Well, Not "Clinically" Depressed, Anyway 

     It has always been viewed as one of the most telling statistics about socially inept men: the fact that roughly two-thirds of them have been diagnosed by medical practitioners as being clinically depressed.  However, it can now be revealed that almost all of those men were horribly misdiagnosed, and in fact have no mental illness whatsoever.

     This finding comes from one of the most well regarded researchers at one of the most renowned psychiatric research institutes in the world.  Dr. James Payton of the Herring Institute is preparing to publish a study which claims that socially inept men who are viewed as suffering from depression in fact just suffer from having horrible lives. 

Clinically Depressed, or Clinically Realistic

     "When somebody is frequently unhappy for no reason," said Dr. Payton, "that is depression------a medical condition for which I would prescribe copious amounts of Zoloft.  But when somebody with a truly rotten life is unhappy, that's just being realistic."
     To illustrate his point, Dr. Payton led this reporter to an alley behind the Herring Institute, where a disheveled and dirty homeless man sat crying behind a dumpster.
    "This is Mr. Thomas Skegs," stated Dr. Payton.  "Obviously, a man in his given circumstances could not reasonably be expected to be anything but severely depressed.  As a matter of fact, I would only begin to question Mr. Skegs mental health if it was found that he was not completely miserable."  He went on, "This is a man with a healthy mind-----and his healthy mind informs him that he has a totally shitty life."
     In Dr. Payton's view, severe depression is often a healthy and rational response to being homeless or socially inept. 

Unsolicited Opinions Suck, and Suck Hard

     This reporter, in the course of spending an entire day with Dr. Payton, was treated to some free medical advice.  
     "You are the last person on earth that I would prescribe anti-depressants to," giggled the doctor.  "I mean, you really are a pathetic specimen.  How many baristas have you pathetically attempted to flirt with today?  Ten?  Twenty?  It boggles the mind!" he guffawed.  "Would you like some cream with your undesirability?" he quipped.  "Would you like some sugar with your very apparent desperation?" he croaked through his laughter.  "You're the only person that I've ever wanted to beat up-----what could it mean?" he wheezed.