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Part One
- Fear
Phineas Shitcorn had often been regaled with stories from his friend
Crinkle about a local mountain of substantial girth. Crinkle told
him his harrowing tales of altitude sickness and cockburn as he
braved massive soft rolls of mountain in his quest for the Valley
of Lost Souls. It sounded like a frightening climb indeed.
Then, one night
Phineas was invited to go out clubbing with a group of friends.
He eagerly agreed to that plan and met his friends at Neighbors
- a local gay danceclub that catered not only to homosexuals, but
also to straight women that were surprisingly receptive to being
groped. As fate would have it on that night, one of Phineas' friends
had invited The Mountain herself to come along. As Phineas looked
at her triangular form he began to feel fear, for he was the token
heterosexual male among this group of friends, and risked being
the latest token victim of The Mountain if he was not careful. He
had no interest whatsoever in continuing Crinkle's failed quest
for the Valley of Lost Souls. Wracked with fear, and wishing to
be separated from that unpleasant emotion, he reacted in the only
way he knew how.
"I'm
gonna get a drink," he said, and made his way to the bar
to order his first Long Island Iced Tea.
Part Two
- Salty Beverages
Three hours later, Phineas was a stranger to fear. He danced happily
to the sounds of gay techno with nary a thought given to his earlier
apprehensions. This was unfortunate for Phineas, as he did not consider
how the pounding beats of homosexual dance music can mask the thunderous
approach of a mountain from the other side of the dance floor. Within
moments he found himself face-to-face with The Mountain, and in
Phineas's drunken state he benevolently considered that the head
perched on top of that mountain was not unlike the head that one
might find on a normal, attractive woman. However, it is not natural
for a mountain to quake and roll to the beats of the Pet Shop Boys,
and Phineas stared aghast as he noticed the sweat that cascaded
down The Mountain's face like a series of spring waterfalls.
As he stood
kissing and dry-humping The Mountain just five minutes later, a
very drunk Phineas thought that it must be a similar experience
to kissing a salt lick in the rain.
Part Three
- The Quest Renewed
Back at his apartment and after several more drinks, Phineas had
no trouble finding the Valley of Lost Souls. Whereas his friend
Crinkle had failed in his quest due to a lack of sufficient alcohol,
Phineas' eight Long Island Iced Teas had given him the insight to
approach The Mountain from the east as it faced west. As he entered
the legendary Valley, it was as if he had opened a sauna and advanced
just far enough to place his prick beyond the boundary of the doorway.
The humidity and warmth were palpable, but his penis was touching
nothing. The expanse of the Valley was vast indeed. He nevertheless
thrust onward, ensuring himself a bruised pelvis in the morning.
Just then, a voice drifted back from the head of The Mountain.
"You
need to wear a condom..."
Phineas thought
this odd since there was absolutely no contact between his spastically
thrusting member and the gaping canyon walls; but he obligingly
rappelled down the side of The Mountain and ran to his stash of
rubbers on the desk. With his hard-on bobbing in the breeze, he
nearly tripped over The Mountain's gay friend that was pretending
to sleep on the floor next to the bed.
Part
Four - Wisdom
When Phineas reached the gunbelt of condoms on the desk, he lacked
the patience to remove one and bring it back to the bed, so instead
he flung the entire stack of condoms in the general direction of
The Mountain.
He reasoned that at least one of them would land within grabbing
distance of the Valley of Lost Souls, ready for his return. When
he returned to the Valley, and as he was about to resume his quest,
Phineas once again heard a voice drifting down from on high.
"You're
making me feel like a whore..."
Those
words briefly imparted to Phineas the wisdom that there might actually
be negative lasting consequences to having sex with an emotionally
needy mountain. He decided at that moment that it was time to cease
his quest and instead pass out on the bed.
Part Five
- Hangover
When he awoke the next morning, both The Mountain and her gay friend
were gone. Phineas closed his eyes and thanked a God he did not
believe in for doing him at least that one small favor. He did not
know yet if he would feel any guilt or shame for what had happened
the night before — the merciless pounding of his hangover was
holding all real emotions at bay.
The only visible
evidence of Phineas' recent mountaineering exploits was a pile of
flower-printed women's clothing laying in the corner of the room.
Phineas lifted himself out of bed and slowly staggered to the pile
and picked up the top garment. He realized then that the pile of
clothes was actually just a single gargantuan pair of panties, left
behind by The Mountain in her haste to get out. He hefted the panties
up in both hands and then flung them out into the apartment hallway,
not even pausing to give them the obligatory sniff.
The
End
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