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"You
are never too young to begin a lifelong regret. Now get
over here."
—Michael Jackson
Young
Love
At
the tender young age of seven, Aaron had found the love of his life.
Her name was Karen Smith, and she was without a doubt the most adorable
and lovely girl to ever grace Miss Thomas's second-grade classroom.
She brightened every day with a radiant smile and beautiful brown
hair that was shaped like a helmet. But more importantly, she always
treated Aaron with kindness; and to Aaron's young heart that meant
everything.
The
effect that Karen had on Aaron was something he had never experienced
before. When he was around her, his knees grew weak and he could
barely speak—sometimes he pissed himself a little. When class
was in session, he could not stop thinking about her. Indeed, despite
his youth, there could be no question that what Aaron felt was love—as
true and pure as the love Zeus felt for Hera; Lancelot for Guinevere;
and Burton for Taylor. His
feelings also bore the characteristic purity of someone too young
to know about sex. Hence, his only intimate fantasies were crude
and confused, consisting mostly of him gently dry-humping the back
of Karen's head as she did her homework.
Glorious
Opportunity
One
day, as Aaron was walking to class with his friends Chris and Garrett,
they began to tease him about his fondness for Karen. Aaron feigned
surprise and denied the charge, while wondering how on earth these
two unobservant rubes had seen into his heart. What action had betrayed
his emotions? And how would these two clowns be persuaded to believe
his completely preposterous claim that he did not love Karen? Aaron
continued to argue with them as they entered Miss Thomas's classroom.
Then, to his absolute horror, Chris immediately ran over to Karen
and blurted out, "Aaron really likes you."
What
happened next was remarkable and unexpected. As Aaron stood mortified,
waiting for death to claim him, he noticed that Karen suddenly looked
happier than he had ever seen her before in his life. She was positively
ecstatic. Then, even more improbably, she began to loudly boast
to her friends that Aaron was her boyfriend! Chris's attempt to
make Aaron look like a fool in Karen's eyes had backfired spectacularly.
Now Aaron struggled to comprehend the truth of what had seemed the
unlikeliest outcome—that all of the feelings he had for Karen,
Karen also had for him.
She
smiled at him—beamed at him—from across the classroom.
Her face, and the emotion expressed by it, was nothing less than
a miracle.
Young
Ineptitude
But, sadly, Aaron was a socially inept douche-bag, completely incapable
of dealing with the fact that a beautiful girl might actually like
him. He ran up to Karen and quickly proceeded to fuck himself up
the ass:
"Karen,
I don't like you. Chris was lying."
Karen's
smile disappeared. "Ok," she said.
And
just like that, it was over. Aaron walked to his desk and sat down,
refusing to think about the magnitude of the opportunity he had
squandered. He did not immediately realize that he would spend the
rest of his life hating himself for what had just occurred, nor
did he realize that this was merely the first of a lifetime of similar
regrets.
Eventually,
Aaron grew up and chronicled all of his pathetic failures with women
on a shitty website devoted to social ineptitude.
The
End
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