Companionship
When a man and a woman are in love, the
close bond that is formed between them is truly something to be cherished and
nurtured. However, since you won't ever experience that bond, try
cherishing some of the following antidepressants:
Prozac (Fluoxetine)
This brilliant little pill will
help you in your quest for happiness by physically removing the portion of your
brain responsible for any semblance of humanity. So long as you continue
to use Prozac, each successive pill takes the portion of brain from the pill
preceding it and stores it within itself. When you discontinue your use of
the drug, the last pill returns the piece of brain from whence it came, and your
capacity for heartache and loneliness will resume.
Zoloft (Sertraline)
This blessed, wonderful drug harks
back to a time when companionship was as unnecessary as a second uvula----when
you were in the womb. Yes, to be on Zoloft is to be returned to those
wonderful nine months before birth-----warm, insulated, and unafraid*. One
woman currently using Zoloft remarks, "I am once again surrounded by
amniotic fluid and I am reconnected to my mother by an umbilical cord, through
which maggots are delivered into my body as my mother is recently
deceased."
* Side effects include sensations
of extreme cold and intense fear.
Distraxin (Tumerine)
Once a tablet of Distraxin is
ingested, it's highly carcinogenic
chemicals immediately go to work on your brain to produce a cancerous
growth. As the growth is diagnosed, and as it continues to spread, all of
your feelings of loneliness will fade and be replaced by an abject fear of
death. Your incessant desire to have companionship will at that point
become more distant than it has ever been before. The late Carl Tucker
commented, "After I started taking Distraxin, I just kinda began to realize
how petty all my bitching about not having a girlfriend really was. And
now... Oh, Jesus, I can't believe I'm GOING TO DIE...<breaks into
uncontrollable sobbing>"
Lithium
People that use lithium do not take
it orally. Rather, they push the tablet through a small, anus-like opening
in their foreheads and into a somewhat wider, rectum-like hollow in the frontal
lobe of their brain. There the pill rests until it has
"time-released" its full supply of love, at which point the pill
re-emerges, brown and pungent, from the user's forehead.
