Feminist Theory
Reveals that Men are in a State of Near-Constant Fucking
This website has never been known for its cheery optimism, but let this
article stand as a glorious exception. What would you say if I told
you that over the course of your lifetime you have had sex with hundreds
of women and will almost certainly have sex with hundreds more? And
what if I further told you that you did this all in a manner that was
unbeknownst to them but is about to be knownst to you? Well surely you
would tell me to fuck my lying ass with a cactus, but your hostile remonstrations
would be unwarranted for what I say is absolutely true.
God
Bless the Feminists
Years ago, in a less enlightened
time, sex was narrowly defined as the repeated cramming of an engorged
penis into a yawning snatch. This is especially laughable when you learn
that the word repeated was a critical part of the definition.
As recently as the early 1940s, a single insertion of a penis into a
vagina was called a “fitting”—only after the first repeat
thrust was it considered sexual intercourse (And this is why Judy Garland
was technically correct when she claimed that she never had sex with
any of the dwarf actors during the filming of The Wizard of Oz. Although
she had at least 15 dwarven cocks inside of her at various times, she
never once allowed a double-thrust—so intent was she on protecting
her reputation).
Beginning in the late 1960s
with Second Wave feminists and continuing to the present day, feminism
began to radically broaden the definition of sex. Although this was
done primarily for the purpose of redefining rape to make it easier
to imprison men, we as socially inept men should nevertheless be thankful.
For it is from the resulting contemporary definition of sex below that
we are able to realize our potential as absolute fuckmasters (bold added):
Sexual intercourse is
defined as the insertion of an erect penis or other body part
or inanimate object into the female vagina or other natural
or constructed orifice.
The beauty of this definition
is that it means you can have sex with a woman by stabbing her in the
arm with a pencil. But that is not my recommended approach. Let’s
take a moment together to think of some of the ways that you have already
been fucking women.
Hugs
She held
me tight
And said some words
But “Tits, tits, TITS!”
Was all I heard
—Langston Hughes
Every now and then, even
the clumsiest among us will find ourselves being hugged by a woman.
Some women are just huggy like that. And during those hugs, if you’re
like me, you have put all your mental focus into appreciating the sensation
of that woman’s tits pressing softly against your own, wishing
that your chest had a sensitivity to touch comparable to that of your
hands, or your penis.
If only you had known that
while the woman’s arms were wrapped around you, you were technically
engaged in an act of penetration. Lo, as she embraced you in a gesture
of platonic friendship, you were massively fucking her with your full-body-sized
cock! And even though it might not have resulted in a geyser of ejaculate
blowing skyward from your cranium, is this newfound knowledge not now
blowing your mind? You bet the fuck it is.
Take a moment now to reflect
on all the hugs you have received in your life (thinking only of the
hugs with women). You can’t possibly know exactly how many times
in your life you have been hugged—it is an act that you have literally
engaged in countless times.
O, the fucking you have
done!
Handshakes
“Hello
Sir”
He said to me
Then shook my hand—
What faggotry!
—Seamus Heaney
Have you ever shaken a woman’s
hand? Of course you have. Was her hand large enough that she was able
to fully close her hand around yours, with one or more of her fingers
touching her thumb? Unless you were shaking hands with a female sasquatch,
perhaps not. But if so, you committed an act of sexual penetration,
in essence fucking her fist with your massive hand-cock. If she was
not able to close her grip, then you merely rubbed your penis against
her palm.
Cooking
Although
to me
She wasn’t nice
I fed her once
And fucked her twice
—unattributed sexist poem c.1975
The name of every cooking
show on television should simply be changed to “Dick Factory”.
Because every time you cook for a woman, you are creating an edible
extension of yourself that she is going to take into her mouth with
all the casual sluttery of a 40-year-old Danish whore.
What is most incredible
about this type of sex is that the food that you prepare for her must
not only go into her mouth, but it must also eventually be shit out.
So not only are you fucking her in her mouth, you are also fucking her
out of her anus! Please pause now to appreciate the simple and powerful
fact that this spectacular double-fuck occurs every time you feed a
woman.
Also appreciate that you
can never again feed children, or any member of your immediate family.
Speaking
You have
to laugh about it
Such a show of the absurd—
How I never saw her pussy
Yet I fucked her with a word
—Charles Manson
Womens’ earholes are
ripe for fucking. Fucking with dick-soundwaves that get bigger and harder
the louder you talk. Find an attractive woman and scream at the top
of your lungs, “I AM NOT FUCKING YOU!” for a trippy, orgasmic
experience.
