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What's
New
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
My latest attempts to get
published—somewhere, anywhere—have come in the form of cartoon
captions submitted as entries for the Seattle Post-Intelligencer's cartoon-captioning
contests. You can view my efforts here.
I reason that if I can get just one caption published, I can semi-truthfully
put "Newspaper Cartoonist" on my resume. And boy, then things
will really take off for me!
Sunday, February 18, 2007
In the Wikipedia entry for
Social Skills
is this lovely closing comment:
Some believe that social ineptitude
should be accommodated, not exterminated.
Gee, thanks for the consideration, fuckfaces.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
SociallyInept.com now has a mascot.
Meet Fred.
Wednesday, August 9, 2006
SociallyInept.com has decided to
publish The Thick Nigiri, a
hypershort story submitted to us in 2001 by none other than James Ellroy.
We would have published it much sooner if someone would have bothered
to tell us how famous Mr. Ellroy was. The story can be found on our Parables
page.
Thursday, August 3, 2006
I
Also Met That Mountain has just been added to the Parables
page.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
SociallyInept.com has just completed
some necessary maintenance that will allow new parables to be added to
the website. If there is not a new parable posted by later tonight, all
it means is that I'm the same lazy fuck that I've been all my life.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
There are currently four new articles
and three new parables slated for publication. No, I haven't written them
yet, but I have jotted down many ideas on a series of post-it notes. Maybe
I'll just scan and post images of the post-its instead.
Monday, July 3, 2006
From the Being Made Fun of
by Strangers Department:
It was recently brought to my attention that my unremarkable
blog somehow ended up being the subject of a standup routine by comedian
Rob Huebel, of Human Giant. Watch as he reads
my blog onstage. I have to wonder if reading my writings as part of
his act led Huebel to getting some pussy that night. Then I wonder what
that pussy might have looked like as I masturbate myself to sleep.
Update
2/17/07: The blog is no more. Unable to afford the $100
renewal fee for my .Mac account, I have allowed my pathetic, unremarkable,
but once-read blog to evaporate into the ether.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
SociallyInept.com Acquired
by Cadbury Schweppes
(AP) - SEATTLE, Washington -- Cadbury
Schweppes announced today that they had successfully acquired SociallyInept.com
in a hostile takeover. With shares of SociallyInept.com (NEPT) not being
traded publicly since mid-2001, it is not entirely clear how the takeover
occured, but employees of the beleaguered website have referred to the
action as "fuckin' bloody". Sir John Sunderland, Chairman of
Cadbury Schweppes, addressed several trembling employees of the website
and gave his assurances that their jobs would not be endangered as a result
of the takeover. Commenting on Cadbury's reasons for purchasing SociallyInept.com,
Sunderland stated: "The unparalleled growth and proven results of
SociallyInept.com fall perfectly in line with our strategic vision at
Cadbury Schweppes. When I see over 30,000 hits in just over six years
time, I know I'm looking at a winner. This proven track record of success,
coupled with the disarmingly substandard formatting of the website, is
nothing short of a revelation in my rapidly deteriorating mind. Plus,
they never fucking update it so I thought I'd have a go."
Tuesday, November 9, 2004
I was watching the news yesterday
and almost popped my cork when I saw Suha Arafat. I recognized her instantly
from a party I was at three years ago when I was so drunk I could barely
speak, yet somehow still had the physical functionality required to engage
in greasy, intoxicated sex with her. I'm not saying this to boast-----she's
clearly not the prettiest pony in the show. I'm just saying...well I'm
just saying that I had sex withYasser Arafat's wife.
And you can all keep your snide
comments to yourself. You know you've done worse.
She's cute when she's blurry.
Monday, May 17, 2004
The red, longish, inflamed zit on
my penis that I popped this morning, spraying pus onto the bathroom mirror,
has actually turned out to be my penis itself, red and inflamed, spraying
ejaculate onto the mirror as I thought of pus(sy). I was happier when
I thought it was a zit. It was quite large for a zit.
Thursday, February 5, 2004
Are you the lucky individual that
will retire early thanks to the brilliant investment you made in SociallyInept.com?
I certainly hope so! There are now investment options to fit all
income brackets. See the details on our Investor
Relations page.
Wednesday,
February 4, 2004
As I was walking around downtown
about a week ago, I noticed an attractive young lady who was going in
my direction. After a few moments of walking behind her, I ended up alongside
her as we waited for the light to change at the crosswalk. I said
nothing to this woman, and why would I? After a lifetime of social
ineptitude, should I just be expected to start chatting up pretty young
things that I happen to be standing next to? Of course not.
Amazingly
though, she began to talk to me. Smiling, she said, "Isn't
this nice weather we're having?"
Was
this flirting? I don't know, but who on earth says something so
silly to a stranger as "Isn't this nice weather we're having?"
I hadn't been staring at her, so there was no awkwardness that she could
have been trying to alleviate. At that moment, somewhere in the
most stupid and foolishly optimistic recesses of my brain spoke a voice,
and that voice said "She digs you."
So
I told her that yes, it was very nice weather we were having. It
was perfect weather. The air was so crisp, I could see farther and
more clearly than ever before. She continued to smile. When
the light changed, we continued in the direction that we had been walking.
However, whereas I continued walking at the same comfortable pace that
had brought me to the crosswalk, my new young friend ran like a bat out
of hell and was gone before I knew it. Something I said? Something
she read in my eyes that wasn't actually there? WHAT THE HELL IS
WRONG WITH ME???
I hate everything.
Especially me.
Tuesday,
January 13, 2004
It is a new year, and with it comes
a new computer, which, in turn, brings a new web design program. This
website has not died, but I very well might as I try to figure out how
the fuck to do anything at all with the powerful technology in front of
me.
Saturday, October 4, 2003
It is the Day of Reckoning
for SociallyInept.com. My brother shall, on this day, be stopping
by the SociallyInept.com Mansion to take back his computer that I have
been using to operate the website for the past year-and-a-half.
He says he needs it for school. This may result in less frequent
updates than you are accustomed to. There may not be a new article
every single day. There might not be quite as many features presented
with streaming video. There could be a noticeable drop-off in live
chat interviews with such socially inept luminaries as The Human Bus Schedule
and Sirhan Sirhan. As I migrate operations back to my 200MHz Acer
computer from 1997, you may even notice that the quality of the writing
itself deteriorates. I will make every effort in the weeks and months
ahead to either scrape up enough money to purchase a new computer, or
perhaps ingratiate myself with a kindly gay gentleman who'll let me use
his.
Friday, September 12,
2003
I have added a forum
to the site, and have no clue as to how to allow people to identify themselves
by anything other than their computer's IP address. I hate my life
and I hate you.
Wednesday, July 2, 2003
After skipping meals for
two weeks, we finally got enough money in the office budget to buy a scanner.
Now begins the slow process of populating the comics
page with enough substance to warrant giving it it's own button
on the sidebar.
Monday, January 20, 2003
I am dismayed to discover
that driving a Saturn makes it impossible to fool night-time drivers into
thinking that I'm a police car following them. The Saturn's headlights
are too close together. Like a retard, or something.
Wednesday, December 11,
2002
Chris and I managed to squander
a wonderful opportunity for free publicity last week when we were interviewed
by the local television program, Evening
Magazine. Everything would have been ok, had the geniuses
at KING television not decided on sending a somewhat
attractive female to conduct the interview. We managed
to get a transcript of the interview that won't be aired:
Seemed cute at the time.
MIMI: What made you realize that
you are socially inept?
AARON: I'm not. Not socially
inept, really. I guess Chris is...
MIMI: You're saying you're not
socially inept?
AARON: No! I mean, I'll
go out with you if you want.
MIMI: Ok, quick tip-----you're
going to want to look me in the eye and not stare at my chest for this
whole interview.
AARON: Shit...
MIMI: It will be quite obvious
to the home viewer, trust me.
CHRIS: <laughing uncontrollably>
AARON: <to Chris>
Fuck you.
CHRIS: <barely able to
speak through the laughter> I can't do this...she's too hot.
MIMI: Are we going to be able
to calm down and continue?
AARON: <staring at Mimi's
chest> Um...
CHRIS: <emphatically, still laughing>
NOooo.
AARON: No, I guess not.
END TRANSCRIPT
Saturday, February 9,
2002
A failure, complete and utter,
is how the First Annual SociallyInept.com Winter Bowl-A-Rama would best
be described.
Only one person participated
(myself), despite our well-publicized offer to give a new automobile to
the evening's high-scorer. After fighting through a thick fog of
depression to bowl an 80, I drove home in a sleek new 2002 Saturn.
Tuesday, January 29, 2002
Soon is a relative term.
The First Annual SociallyInept.com Winter Bowl-A-Rama will take place
this Friday, February 1, at 7:00pm at Sunset Bowl in Ballard (1420 NW
Market St. Seattle, WA). The 17-month absence of bowling activity
since the last Bowl-A-Rama has served only to increase the excitement
in the Ballard neighborhood where locals still swap stories of the time
they watched Chris and I get stinking drunk to the point of passing out
next to the pull tabs. Some of those locals reminisce further about
how they urinated on the two of us after Sunset Bowl management threw
our unconscious bodies out into the parking lot.
Friday, June 22, 2001
Coming soon...the 2nd Annual
SociallyInept.com Summer Bowl-A-Rama!!! As soon as a date is finalized,
we will present full details on how you can participate.
Monday, April 2, 2001
I decided that the Frequently
Asked Questions sucked, and relegated them to the Archive.
Monday, April 2, 2001
Since Chris and I would apparently
sooner suck cock than bother to update the site, we have opened the site
up to Testimonials,
where you the reader can submit your own atrocious tales of womanly scorn
for the amusement of the general public.
Sunday, February 4, 2001
A new parable
was added today, as well as a new section for frequently asked questions.
Saturday, February 3, 2001
Redherring.com
recently ran a feature article on SociallyInept.com, describing us as
"a poster-child for dot.com failure through mismanagement".
In related news, we have been unceremoniously delisted from the NASDAQ.
Unfortunately, Chris and I don't have any idea what that means.
If someone could e-mail us with some explanation, it would be appreciated.
We can still sell our stock, can't we? Christ, it was down to .003
cents a share, last we checked.
Wednesday, December 20,
2000
A grim sign of the times:
SociallyInept.com's stock value (ticker: NEPT) remained below $1 for the
20th consecutive day today, closing at a paltry $0.02/share.
The troubled stock market has been wreaking havoc on dot-coms across the
board, and our humble company is no exception. Regrettably, this
means we have been forced to make some fairly serious cuts in staff.
The remaining staff consists of myself, Chris, the vending machine, and
this girl that hangs around the office who we started paying just because
she consistently showed up. We think she might be a prostitute or
a retarded kid.
Saturday, October 28, 2000
Today Chris and I received
another cruel rejection letter, this time from MAD
Magazine. Apparently unimpressed with our submission
of The Spectrum of
Cheating Rationales, they wrote:
Dear Assheads,
Enclosed please find directions to the final resting place of our beloved
founder, William Gaines. In the future, should you wish to piss
on his grave, please do so literally, rather than metaphorically by sending
us your shitty, shitty writing.
Or, might we suggest that instead of sending your writing to us, you simply
forward it on to The Journal of Bitter, Unfunny Prose... if such
a rag exists.
Here at MAD Magazine, we can collectively assure you that any mistreatment
you two have ever suffered at the hands of women was well-deserved.
You guys fucking suck.
Sunday, September 3, 2000
Aaron and I decided to go
get girlfriends yesterday morning, so we had a few drinks and headed out
walking around Ballard at 11:00. We quickly found some unsuspecting
young lassies in a frame shop. We pretended to look for a frame
for a minute and a half, then set upon them with SociallyInept.com business
cards. They were not impressed with our ridiculous approach, but
we beamed with pride all the way out the door because we actually spoke
to some pretty girls. Then we laughed our way to the closest bar.
We just wanted to fortify ourselves for a fresh onslaught, but 7 hours
and many pints later we realized we had forgotten to pick up any women.
Tuesday, August 22, 2000
If measured in terms of amount
of alcohol consumed, the August 6th SociallyInept.com Summer Bowl-A-Rama
was a huge success. In terms of attendance, however, it was a dismal
failure, with a total of two people showing up (Chris and myself).
The attractive local television reporter who had been assigned to cover
the event grew visibly annoyed with us as the "un-event" dragged
on, and took out her frustrations by waiting until the last possible moment
to conduct her interview, when Chris and I were both stinking drunk.
A good friend that saw the televised interview later that night would
tell us only, "Just be glad you didn't see it. You tried
to show her your dicks." If only booze didn't impair the
memory so. We sincerely hope that he was just fucking with us.
Sunday, August 6, 2000
Today a new
parable has been added.
Monday, July 31, 2000
A date has been selected
for the SociallyInept.com Summer Bowl-A-Rama!!! This year's event
will be held at 7:00pm on Sunday, August 6 at Sunset Bowl in Ballard.
The address for the event is 1420 NW Market St. Seattle, WA.
Chris and I should be easily identifiable by our sour temperaments.
Also, we plan on being conspicuously NOT GAY.
Sunday, July 30, 2000
Our first attempt to earn
some extra money on the side as freelance writers was quashed today with
the receipt of our first rejection letter. The folks at the Late
Show with David Letterman were altogether not impressed with
our Top Ten Most
Pathetic, Failing Ways to Get Pussy. The rejection letter
read, in part:
...Your Top Ten™
list is obviously too vulgar for network television, though whether you
are truly too stupid to have realized that or if you just sent it to us
as a joke is inconsequential. Even if the language used were not
so crude, the simple fact that your list isn't funny in the slightest
would still have prevented its use on our program. Incidentally,
our Top Ten™
lists start at #10, working their way down to #1, not the other way around.
It is truly fortunate that the network censors do not also do their work
on outgoing rejection letters, as I feel compelled to tell you that you
are both fucking idiots...
Wednesday, July 12, 2000
We have been listed in the
Schillsbad Web Index as one of the 392 "Websites to be Utterly Disregarded".
Chris and I would have been content with that, but then the publication
goes on to say that "The administrators of SociallyInept.com, while
trying to evoke some cheap laughs, have really just proven their worthlessness
as human beings. If you want to find the two most pathetic pieces
of dogshit on the web, look no further than Chris and Aaron."
This unwarranted attempt at character assassination illustrates a much
larger point: that websites devoted to helping the socially inept are
not taken seriously (or respected at all, really), by the web establishment.
Saturday, June 24, 2000
We're in the middle of constructing
a new cartoon page.
We're hoping that within the next several months, we might even have more
than one cartoon.
Friday, June 23, 2000
Yet another parable
added. The moral of the story: Be happy that you're too incompetent
to get a girlfriend. You will notice that this is a common theme
in our shitty stories.
Saturday, June 17, 2000
We finally filled in our
credentials,
and added a new parable.
Also, we've noticed that the feedback
we're getting has become exceedingly abusive. We will continue to
post your comments on our feedback
page, but be aware that we will now publish your location along with your
full name. We're still waiting to hear one nice comment from somebody
that's older than seven.
Monday,
June 12, 2000
Everyone
at SociallyInept.com is breathing a sigh of relief this morning as word
has just come in that Chris' STD is actually just a scrotal pimple.
You almost had us fooled there, big guy.
Monday, June 5, 2000
Today we performed our monthly
SociallyInept.com status check, to ensure that everyone on staff is indeed
hopelessly single. The results were exceedingly positive, and no
staff was dismissed. So let it be said again: At SociallyInept.com,
You Know Your Source is Pure™.
Also, we have added some
invaluable insights as to how deal with your perpetual lack of companionship.
Friday, June 2, 2000
Not a good day. Chris
and I made our second appearance on Late
Night with Conan O'Brien to promote our website, but ended
up being forced to defend it from Conan's persistent attacks:
<excerpt>
CONAN: So I just visited your
website, and there's some very funny stuff on it. But I've got to
say, one of the things that clearly is not very funny is that story
you did called Enlightenment.
CHRIS and AARON (in unison): He wrote
it.
CONAN: That story really seemed like
one of those things where somebody is trying way too hard to be crude
just for the sake of being crude...you know what I mean?
AARON: Well, Conan, if you look at
the actual language used in that story-----
CONAN (interrupting): I'll see that it's
really unfunny and crude language?
(audience laughter)
CONAN: You're not a very good writer,
are you?
AARON: Uh...
CONAN: You guys fucking suck!!!
(thunderous applause)
<end excerpt>
Wednesday, May 31, 2000
Our new website hasn't even
been up a full 48 hours, and already we're receiving a huge amount of
positive feedback!
Monday, May 29, 2000
The revamped SociallyInept.com
is launched, sporting a professional design and more swear words.
Wednesday,
May 24, 2000
The Third
Annual SociallyInept.com Spring Jam was nothing short of catastrophic.
Halfway through their first set, the Cumpunks' lead singer Tweedo Mustafi
drunkenly bellowed "Get a life, ya pathetic fucks!" and urinated
off the grandstand onto several stunned and dismayed attendees.
It goes without saying that the Cumpunks will not be invited to play next
year.
As if that weren't bad enough, there was a serious scare when one of the
workers in the BBQ booth was found to have hepatitis. Fortunately,
it turned out to be the case that not a single person ordered any food
from the booth the whole time it was open for business. Their reputation
preceded them, it seems!!!
The one potential bright spot occurred when a group of three attractive
young women, aware that they had stumbled upon a SociallyInept.com event,
decided to treat us all to a bona fide flashing. But not more than
ten seconds after they had lifted their shirts to expose three pairs of
magnificent breasts, they all dropped their shorts, revealing three shriveled
and unsightly penises. A cacophony of retches erupted throughout
the park as we realized we'd been had.
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