Since time immemorial, artists of all stripes have resorted to plays on the word "come" to signal to the world that they are supremely clever. Songwriters lazily fall back on the word as a way to remain edgy even when their last few brain cells have gone the way of the dodo. Street performers in New York ejaculate onto the sidewalk while holding a handwritten sign that says "come here", thus making a statement that they hope they won't be called on to explain. Here we pay tribute to some of the least clever uses of that magical word, come.

THE BLACK CROWES
"Remedy"

...If I come on like a dream?
Would you let me show you what I mean?
If you let me come on inside?
Will you let it glide?...

The Black Crowes were trying to be clever when they gave their hit song a double-meaning. In addition to the obvious meaning—a story about a daughter possessed by Satan—it could now also be interpreted as a song about a woman with medicine in her vagina. The problem is that everybody who hears the lyrics misinterprets it as a song about Satan having sex with someone's underaged daughter. Nice try, Black Crowes, but you fucked up.

LIT
"Miserable"

You make me come.
You make me complete.
You make me completely miserable...

Though not the least clever use of the word, Lit's juvenile 1999 effort is certainly the most annoying. A widely circulated rumor claims that frontman A.Jay Popoff masturbated 58 times while writing the song, telling his bandmates that the jizz encrusted sheet of original lyrics would one day be used to impregnate a "songfucker".

THE BEATLES
"Rain"

If Therraine comes they run and hide their heads
They might as well be dead
If Therraine comes, if Therraine comes...

In 1965, the Beatles were huge, and each member of the Fab Four had taken to boning groupies on a near-nightly basis. At that time, the next best thing to being a Beatle was being one of the guys that decided which groupies would be allowed in to see the Beatles; for if there's one thing a groupie knows how to do, it's ride the knob of the guy that's going to let you ride the knob of the next guy. For six days in April, one of the Beatles' "door men" was a wire-thin middle-aged man named Therraine Willis. His tenure was short-lived due to the unkempt state that he would leave the groupies in before ushering them in to see the band. Shortly before his death, Beatles manager Brian Epstein sat with The New York Times and relayed an anecdote regarding Therraine's last day of employment:

The guys had been complaining about the state of these girls that were being sent in, that they were completely covered in muck; and I was the one always telling them they were being overdramatic and besides Therraine was the nicest guy we had. But one night, right before a television appearance I had to go find Ringo. The other guys were ready to go of course, but Paul mentioned that Ringo was with a girl. So I went back there, walked right into the dressing room and saw Ringo, and...it looked like he was fucking a giant jellyfish. After a moment I realized it was just some poor girl covered from head to toe in Therraine's jizz. Simply unbelievable. Ringo didn't realize until after he deposited his own pea-size load that the girl was quite dead.

The Beatles' tribute to their fired doorman helped usher in the acid revolution.

SESAME STREET
"Cookie Monster Counts to Ten"

In almost four decades on the air, Sesame Street has never created such a stir as it did on November 10, 1979, when Cookie Monster counted to ten. In an ill-advised attempt to "give the parents something to laugh at too", Frank Oz went off-script and improvised a small portion of his dialogue in an otherwise unremarkable sequence. The episode only aired once, and the master tapes were subsequently destroyed. The following is a partial transcript of the episode, which featured Kermit (Jim Henson) trying to get Cookie Monster (Oz) to finish counting to ten before eating a stack of cookies.

KERMIT: You just need to count to ten and then you can eat all the cookies!

COOKIE MONSTER: Cookie cookie! Me want cookie!!

KERMIT: I have an idea—let's count to ten together!

COOKIE MONSTER: Me want cookies come into my mouth!

KERMIT: But, counting to ten is easy! All you—

COOKIE MONSTER: Come in my fucking mouth!!!

[end transcript]

PUFF ICE
"Stuf U Wit P-Niz"

Rapper Puff Ice stands as a perfect example of when not to be sneaky with a double entendre. His song "Stuf U Wit P-Niz" is so openly vile and irredeemable that his attempt to be clever sounds out of place and pathetic:

I punch you in da face
and then I slit ya throat
da wound'll be meaty
like da pussy of a goat

I mount yo dead ass
I ride and ride
It's raining on my head
Would you mind terribly if I come inside?

AC/DC
"You Shook Me All Night Long"

...She told me to come
but I was already there...

AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long" is noteworthy not because of the lame attempt to be clever by making a play on the word come; but rather because the band had no idea until after the song was recorded that the word even had a double meaning. As singer Brian Johnson explained the inspiration for the song to Rolling Stone in 2002:

...and as I was nailing this chick, hottest chick I've ever seen, she starts telling me to come! I thought, 'how many drugs is this girl on—I'm right here!' But I had a good thing going at the moment so I didn't question it. And then I felt a magical tickle and frosting came out of my penis.

Honorable Mention

JOHN F. KENNEDY
Inaugural Address

...ask not what your country can do for you—
ask what you can do for your country.

In one of the most brazen instances of historical revisionism, John Fitzgerald Kennedy's drunken inaugural address of January 20th 1961 has been whitewashed, sanitized and in large part rewritten to protect the reputation of a man considered by many to be the greatest president of all time. Known today by most Americans as the "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You Speech", Kennedy's inaugural address was a stammering, slurred catastrophe marked by lascivious commentary, vulgar gesticulations, and three bathroom breaks for the new Commander in Chief. The most famous line of the speech was, in fact, a hastily crafted reconstruction pushed out to the media by Kennedy Press Secretary Pierre Salinger in a desperate attempt to save the young Kennedy administration from early scandal. The extent of Salinger's handiwork is revealed in the following excerpt from an original transcript of the speech:

CHIEF JUSTICE WARREN: Are you done sir?

JOHN KENNEDY: No, fuck no...The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavour will light our country and all who serve it -- and the glow from that fire can truly light the world. 
And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your cunt. 

WARREN: Now are you—

KENNEDY: REEEEEEE!!!!!! Ha ha——I'm the fuckin' ace!!!

[thunderous applause]

For horrible stories, go here.

Current Quotable:

"You're the only one of my guy friends that I haven't had sex with."
- Every hot female friend I've ever had